Tales from the Stacks

So there I was, catching up on all my many bloggerly emails, when I read the most amusing and delightful post by Willow in which she recounted some wild tales from her job at Chick-fil-A. Suffice it to say, I was inspired. I have some tales of my own, as all people do, from my job at the library, and why not share with all my lil interwebs buddies?? So without further ado, here are some tales from the stacks.

Please Don’t Ask Me Out

I went to the back to find my lunch so I could leave on my half-hour break. When I got back out not even three minutes later, my coworker told me that some odd lady had asked if I had boyfriend, since her friend Jerry wanted to ask me out. My coworker replied that she wasn’t allowed to say (this is up for debate, but it makes a good shield). I kind of laughed at what she told me and continued on my way. Clearly neither this lady nor “Jerry” realize how young I actually am. Either way, over my sandwich I cooked up a response to this question, should it ever come up again. I decided to use Hawkes (my beloved poet-wraith-vicar-supplier of sweets) as a defense. Do I have a boyfriend? Why yes, his name is Hawkes; I adore him. He’s quiet, but has such a way with words. He’s also very involved in the church *nods brightly*

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately), no one asked if I had a boyfriend between this incident and the present, and my opportunity for using a faux boyfriend has passed. Ah well.

BLESS ME

Once upon a time I sneezed at the front desk. One patron said “Gesundheit” and for some reason this annoyed me. Excuse, you what happened to God bless you?!? GOD BLESS ME THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Change is Actually Bad

We do a lot of printing and copying for people. One guy came in with what seemed like enough change to fill a sock, dumped it all on the counter, and told me he wanted that many copies. So guess who had to rearrange and stack and count all his quarters and nickels and dimes…(if you guessed me, you’re absolutely right). The entire time he was just standing there. Watching me. Silently judging me, I’m sure.

do we look like we have all the answers??

One afternoon we had a guy call in with an odd question. Could he and his cat come and hang out at the library while their house was being fumigated?? Erm. No. We have a no-animals policy here, thank you very much.

Another time someone called and asked if we could help them get Leroy out of jail. Unfortunately that isn’t something we can do, but y’know what, we hope you get him back soon…??

An older guy was on the other end of the phone once, asking if we had a certain book. Well, I looked it up and we did, so I told him as much and asked if he wanted us to hold it for him. He answered yes, so I asked when he’d be in for it. Apparently he couldn’t come in for it though (why then did he say he wanted it held…??). He wanted a specific page copied and began telling me what exactly was on the page. I let him tell me for a while, but eventually had to ask what page number it was. He didn’t know. He was sure I could find it. And while I could, I don’t have the time to flip through a book looking for one specific page to copy for a guy who can’t even come in to get the copy.

We went in circles for at least five minutes, him asking for his copies and me saying I couldn’t do what he wanted (in hindsight, perhaps I should have just hung up). I finally told him that I absotively posolutely couldn’t do what he was asking me for and asked if there was anything else he wanted (while mentally commanding him to have nothing). He said no. I said I was sorry and ended the call. It was like talking to an adult tODDLER. So ridiculously frustrating.

Directly after this, a lady who had been waiting for who knows how long asked if I could get the book she had on hold for her. I went to the back, fetched the book, and checked it out. She thanked me and added as an afterthought, “You’re very patient.”

Why thank you. It took all my willpower not to pull all my hair out and scream into the void. I ate two Twix bars and cursed the device we know as a phone, then carried on with my shift.

Please Don’t Ask Me Out (part 2)

I got to the library before we opened that day and he was already waiting outside for us to open. I thought nothing of it or him until I started unlocking the door so I could get in and he said, in a surprised tone, “You can drive?? I didn’t think you were that old!!”

Ah yes. Actually, I’m only twelve, but my reading level was so high that the library didn’t care and hired me anyway. Don’t tell the authorities you saw me pull into the parking lot in my mom-mobile, would you?? Thanks *nod nod*

Since I would never say something like that to someone, I made some offhanded comment about my actual age as I wrestled with the door and escaped to my desk. When I got there, I realized what I had done. I just let a younger guy know how old I was. yIKES. Ah well, it’ll be fine, what’s the worst that could happen…

When my coworker unlocked the door, he came in still hung up on how old I was. *facepalm* For some harebrained reason I reasserted my age when he asked and he then left for his secluded corner.

He came back up later with a movie to check out. While I typed his name into the program and stamped the case, he made small talk with my coworker about how he doesn’t see movies at the theatre anymore since he has no one to take with him. At this point I’m growing concerned (he had acted delighted that I didn’t have to ask for his name this time; all previous interactions I’ve never managed to remember his name to check his items out). If he’s about to ask me to the movies with him—I don’t know what I’ll say but it’ll be awkward and not fun for him. Just don’t.

In actuality, he asked my older coworker (I’m the youngest employee; it’s not often you see a teenaged librarian hehe) in a semi-joking tone if she would go with him. She turned him down in the same tone and he left. Once he had passed through the doors my coworker admitted she thought he was going to ask me to the movies with him. I laughed and was like, me too lol very glad he didn’t.

Perhaps I ought to work on my business-like persona. I’m not being friendly and flirty, I’m being PROFESSIONAL AND PLEASANT. There’s a difference, guys.

Out of Context Quotes

Little Girl: Purple is for girls, and blue is for boys.

Her Mother: What other colors are for girls?

Little Girl: Purple and pink and teal.

Her Mother: Not green?

Little Girl: No.

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Child: My mom won’t let me play video games because she says they’re too abducting.

Me: Do you mean addicting??

Child: Yes!!

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My Coworker (about the children’s bookshelves): Sometimes things get miskadoobalated in there.

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Cute Preschooler, counting: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven….six seeeeven.

Babysitter, astonished: Oh my goodness Miss [name redacted], how do you know about that?!?

Cute Preschooler: Cuz I know.

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Child Playing with Magnetiles, to his smaller sister: [name redacted] if you destroy this one more time, you’ll make me so angry I’ll turn into an Angry Bird!!

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Male Child, excitedly to his mother: Mom, I was a Barbie doll!!

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Mother, while chasing her toddler: You cannot steal Clifford. You’re too young for a life of crime!!

Coda

The life of a librarian is never dull, I can tell you that much. It can be stereotypical; reading books behind the counter and peering through my glasses at noisy children, finding lost books and perusing the new releases as I shelve them, but it’s also avoiding weird patrons, wondering if the person in the bathroom is okay, noting that three out of five of the obituaries you’re copying had middle names of Ann/Anne, and wondering if that patron is homeless or just taking a pajama day. Always a good time here at the public library.

Always,

Ava 📚